I was raised in a loving Christian home; my family went to the Presbyterian church where my mom and dad sang in the choir. My mom taught my Sunday School class and when I was 8, I asked God to forgive my sins and come into my heart. When I was in high school, my parents stopped going to church at all, but like the good little girl I always tried to be, I drove myself to church and youth group every week. In college I also kept going to church, reading my bible and trying to live a "godly" life.
As long as I can remember, I have tried to do what is right. I've always wanted earn everyone's approval, to be good enough for others to like me, and be good enough for God to be truly pleased with me. I got good grades, did well at recitals, went on mission trips, but no matter how hard I tried, I never felt completely acceptable to anyone. I never sensed God’s pleasure or nearness in my life and most of the time I just ended up tired and empty. Then I'd feel guilty for not being happy - after all, Christ did so for me.
I’ve heard all my life that “Jesus loves me.” I’ve been to Seminary and I know the Bible fairly well, but the thought of God taking delight in a relationship with me was a far cry from what I experienced every day. Deep down, I figured Jesus just loved me because he had to...sort of a contractual obligation.
When J.J. was about 3 God began to show me that it was actually my trying to be good enough that was causing the problem. Over and over I kept going to Isaiah 61 and reading it as if God were speaking directly to me, saying that he wanted to:
“…bestow on [me] a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. [You] will be called [an] oak of righteousness," it said, "a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.” Isaiah 61:3
Man, I wanted that so bad. I wanted beauty and gladness and I wanted it to bring glory to God. But I could never picture myself as an oak of righteousness because I still sinned...all the time. How could I display God's splendor when I’m so selfish and unlovely?" For the next 6 months I cried out to God for answers and wrestled with understanding the scriptures He kept bringing me to. Then I attended a women's retreat where I skipped most of one day's activities and just sat on my bunk, pouring over scriptures, praying and laboring over what God was trying to show me.
Again, God took me to the book of Isaiah, where the prophet said:
“... he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness...” Isaiah 61:10
I thought, "Well, I know God has forgiven me, but doesn’t He get frustrated when I keep soiling that robe of righteousness? And I’m so tired of trying to keep clean - it always ends up the same. It seems almost useless to keep trying." So then the Lord took me to Galatians and I heard the apostle Paul saying to me,
Julie, “If you let yourself be bound in [works], Christ will be of no value to you at all. Again I declare to everyone who lets himself be tied to [good deeds] that he is obligated to obey the whole law. You who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from Christ;
- that's exactly how I felt, alienated from Christ!
you have fallen away from grace.
But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope.
For in Christ Jesus neither [good deeds nor bad deeds] have any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.”
Paraphrase of Galatians 5:1-6
In other words, obedience for the sake of making myself holy or acceptable to God is pointless. What matters to God is that I trust in the power of the cross, accept his love, and respond by loving Him and loving others. I said to God, " I thought you wanted obedience more than anything. Isn’t that how I’m supposed to love you? Doesn’t that bring me closer to you?"
And then God brought this scripture into my mind:
“…all your righteous acts are like filthy rags” Isaiah 64:4
All my striving to do all the right things and be as "perfect" as possible - it never brought one bit of holiness or righteousness or acceptance as I stand before God. And on that day at the retreat, God continued to speak to me, saying:
“Why do you keep sewing all these filthy rags to the beautiful robe of righteousness that I’ve given you? Your attempts at making yourself acceptable and pleasing to me are no different than your sins. I wish I could bestow on you a crown of beauty instead of ashes, but you’ve fashioned your own crown for yourself with all your "being good." I would love to give you my oil of gladness instead of the mourning you are now experiencing, but how can I? You've manufactured your own perfume so that you'll seem lovely to those around you, even though everyone knows it's just a cheap imitation.
Inside you feel guilty about this masquerade and you hide yourself from me (and others) more and more. Don’t you know that I’ve already made you holy and I long for you, with all your sin and flaws and every hidden part? I want you to stop trying to perfect yourself and just be who I made you to be. Put down your mask and let yourself be imperfect and broken for everyone to see.”
Well, then I got a little mad. “Broken?" I asked "…as in raw pain, naked exposure, ugly authenticity? What will everyone think of me? I want to be loved and accepted, not shunned or judged. I've been trying my whole life to remove or cover up all of that stuff. Why do I have to reveal the horrible broken parts, Lord?" He said,
“Because I can’t place my crown of beauty on your head until there’s only ashes there. And no one will ever experience the scent of my oil of gladness until you’ve washed off that overpowering, sickeningly sweet imitation. And I won’t ever try to force my garment of praise over a robe of righteousness that’s patched over with filthy rags."
“Why do I want you to be broken; naked and bleeding for everyone to see? Because that’s what I DID, in order to glorify the Father, and show His love to the world. This is the example I have set for you to follow. And after your façade that you’ve been working on for so many years has been broken and fallen away, I will lift you up and satisfy all your desires with good things, and then I will be glorified. Only then can those around you see ME working in you. When you have been given over to death for Jesus’ sake, then My life will be revealed in you, and you will begin to know me in a new way.”
Little by little, as I let go of the striving to look good to everyone, I found a new freedom and joy in connecting with God. I stopped heaping shame and guilt on myself when I missed my prayer time and just tried to have honest conversations with God throughout the day. I watched my kids twirl and sing at the top of their lungs in worship and I started joining in. I learned so much from them about honesty of character, and like a child I began to approach the throne of grace with awe and wonder and excitement.
Of course I still sin, but I don't hide in shame any more. Instead, I invite the Holy Trinity into the darkest places of my soul. I used to think that if I did that, I would be met with a wagging finger of judgment, a disapproving scowl and a lecture (or even worse yet, silence and rejection). Instead, I feel God's arms embrace me fully, His tears flow freely and mingle with my own, and I hear him say, "I'm here for you. I know you're hurting and I want to help. You've tried it your own way and felt the painful consequences. If you want to try it My way, we can do it together."
As long as I can remember, I have tried to do what is right. I've always wanted earn everyone's approval, to be good enough for others to like me, and be good enough for God to be truly pleased with me. I got good grades, did well at recitals, went on mission trips, but no matter how hard I tried, I never felt completely acceptable to anyone. I never sensed God’s pleasure or nearness in my life and most of the time I just ended up tired and empty. Then I'd feel guilty for not being happy - after all, Christ did so for me.
I’ve heard all my life that “Jesus loves me.” I’ve been to Seminary and I know the Bible fairly well, but the thought of God taking delight in a relationship with me was a far cry from what I experienced every day. Deep down, I figured Jesus just loved me because he had to...sort of a contractual obligation.
When J.J. was about 3 God began to show me that it was actually my trying to be good enough that was causing the problem. Over and over I kept going to Isaiah 61 and reading it as if God were speaking directly to me, saying that he wanted to:
“…bestow on [me] a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. [You] will be called [an] oak of righteousness," it said, "a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.” Isaiah 61:3
Man, I wanted that so bad. I wanted beauty and gladness and I wanted it to bring glory to God. But I could never picture myself as an oak of righteousness because I still sinned...all the time. How could I display God's splendor when I’m so selfish and unlovely?" For the next 6 months I cried out to God for answers and wrestled with understanding the scriptures He kept bringing me to. Then I attended a women's retreat where I skipped most of one day's activities and just sat on my bunk, pouring over scriptures, praying and laboring over what God was trying to show me.
Again, God took me to the book of Isaiah, where the prophet said:
“... he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness...” Isaiah 61:10
I thought, "Well, I know God has forgiven me, but doesn’t He get frustrated when I keep soiling that robe of righteousness? And I’m so tired of trying to keep clean - it always ends up the same. It seems almost useless to keep trying." So then the Lord took me to Galatians and I heard the apostle Paul saying to me,
Julie, “If you let yourself be bound in [works], Christ will be of no value to you at all. Again I declare to everyone who lets himself be tied to [good deeds] that he is obligated to obey the whole law. You who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from Christ;
- that's exactly how I felt, alienated from Christ!
you have fallen away from grace.
But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope.
For in Christ Jesus neither [good deeds nor bad deeds] have any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.”
Paraphrase of Galatians 5:1-6
In other words, obedience for the sake of making myself holy or acceptable to God is pointless. What matters to God is that I trust in the power of the cross, accept his love, and respond by loving Him and loving others. I said to God, " I thought you wanted obedience more than anything. Isn’t that how I’m supposed to love you? Doesn’t that bring me closer to you?"
And then God brought this scripture into my mind:
“…all your righteous acts are like filthy rags” Isaiah 64:4
All my striving to do all the right things and be as "perfect" as possible - it never brought one bit of holiness or righteousness or acceptance as I stand before God. And on that day at the retreat, God continued to speak to me, saying:
“Why do you keep sewing all these filthy rags to the beautiful robe of righteousness that I’ve given you? Your attempts at making yourself acceptable and pleasing to me are no different than your sins. I wish I could bestow on you a crown of beauty instead of ashes, but you’ve fashioned your own crown for yourself with all your "being good." I would love to give you my oil of gladness instead of the mourning you are now experiencing, but how can I? You've manufactured your own perfume so that you'll seem lovely to those around you, even though everyone knows it's just a cheap imitation.
Inside you feel guilty about this masquerade and you hide yourself from me (and others) more and more. Don’t you know that I’ve already made you holy and I long for you, with all your sin and flaws and every hidden part? I want you to stop trying to perfect yourself and just be who I made you to be. Put down your mask and let yourself be imperfect and broken for everyone to see.”
Well, then I got a little mad. “Broken?" I asked "…as in raw pain, naked exposure, ugly authenticity? What will everyone think of me? I want to be loved and accepted, not shunned or judged. I've been trying my whole life to remove or cover up all of that stuff. Why do I have to reveal the horrible broken parts, Lord?" He said,
“Because I can’t place my crown of beauty on your head until there’s only ashes there. And no one will ever experience the scent of my oil of gladness until you’ve washed off that overpowering, sickeningly sweet imitation. And I won’t ever try to force my garment of praise over a robe of righteousness that’s patched over with filthy rags."
“Why do I want you to be broken; naked and bleeding for everyone to see? Because that’s what I DID, in order to glorify the Father, and show His love to the world. This is the example I have set for you to follow. And after your façade that you’ve been working on for so many years has been broken and fallen away, I will lift you up and satisfy all your desires with good things, and then I will be glorified. Only then can those around you see ME working in you. When you have been given over to death for Jesus’ sake, then My life will be revealed in you, and you will begin to know me in a new way.”
Little by little, as I let go of the striving to look good to everyone, I found a new freedom and joy in connecting with God. I stopped heaping shame and guilt on myself when I missed my prayer time and just tried to have honest conversations with God throughout the day. I watched my kids twirl and sing at the top of their lungs in worship and I started joining in. I learned so much from them about honesty of character, and like a child I began to approach the throne of grace with awe and wonder and excitement.
Of course I still sin, but I don't hide in shame any more. Instead, I invite the Holy Trinity into the darkest places of my soul. I used to think that if I did that, I would be met with a wagging finger of judgment, a disapproving scowl and a lecture (or even worse yet, silence and rejection). Instead, I feel God's arms embrace me fully, His tears flow freely and mingle with my own, and I hear him say, "I'm here for you. I know you're hurting and I want to help. You've tried it your own way and felt the painful consequences. If you want to try it My way, we can do it together."
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